Saturday, September 10, 2016

Election 2016 in a Nutshell

As of today, I am undecided between SMOD and Cthulhu as my choice for President of the United States. Both are running very convincing campaigns, but I'm currently leaning SMOD because I think he'll administer the end with the level of pain and suffering that we deserve. I remain persuadable, however.

The arguments for SMOD and Cthulhu are obvious, so you can look at their twitter feeds linked above for information to help you decide between them. My summaries of the candidates offered by the four largest parties are outlined below.
  • The Republicans have put forth Donald Trump, an emotionally and intellectually insecure man-child with a sexual fascination for his daughter and a homoerotic fascination for men who wield power. As a person, he is a huge POS.
  • The Democrats have as their candidate Hillary Clinton, a congenital liar who ran the State Department as an international influence-peddling scheme, using her husband's charitable foundation to launder the proceeds. To cover the tracks of this operation, she used private e-mail servers that exposed classified information to hackers. She's managed to stay ahead of the FBI by a combination of obstruction, lying, destruction of evidence, and a deeply partisan Department of Justice.
  • The Libertarian Party, finally seeing its opportunity on the big stage, nominated Gary Johnson, former governor of New Mexico. He turns out to be a semi-retired stoner who, surprisingly for a self-proclaimed libertarian, is at best lukewarm about individual rights and the rule of law.
  • Finally, the Green Party, looking to tap into the millions of voters energized by failed Democratic candidate and noted socialist Bernie Sanders, nominated Dr. Jill Stein, who is still mourning the death of Harambe.